Self doubt consumes me like a deadly Virus consumes its prey, the cell, until it has completely taken over, and can finally reign its rule to focus on expanding its newly conquered kingdom. That is exactly what self doubt does to my mind, to me, my hope, and my little ray of sunshine. It settles in slowly sometimes, but most of the time it chooses to make a bold entrance in, to make sure I know that it has arrived, for a permanent vacation. Anytime, my little ray of sunshine gathers up all the courage she can possibly breathe in with a single breathe, into her being to express herself, to showcase her talents, abilities, skills and intellect for a small or big cause, the self doubt , the “Virus” makes sure she is put in her place of rest and told harshly that this is where she belongs: in a caged realm of delusional reality that was put into existence with precise methodology by the “Virus”. Yet, the little ray of sunshine knows something deep within her that this delusional reality that she lives in, is not really her home and she is longing to go home, to go back to Love. Where an eternal energy filled with limitless warmth from the Sun’s long arms touch her skin, the smell of the salty ocean, sweetness of red velvet cupcakes, and smokiness of firewood will fill her essence with goodness and a huge dose of openness to an infinite awareness of what she is capable of being. A peaceful soul, filled with love, compassion, proactively day by day living her calling back to self; back to the source.
The “Virus” isn’t willingly to let her go because she to him is the companion who he has always longed for, his deepest connection it has ever had and a feeling that only she gives. Each day he shows her the greatness of his power: to multiply and divide, to rationalize all her thoughts that enter her space of being. He tells her that she does not need to pay attention to these useless thoughts and worry her little self. The “Virus” demands her to leave the ‘complex words strung together’ for him to decipher, all he wants her to know is that he will faithfully protect her and stand by her side no matter what, smothering her with his artificial, endless promises that some how seem and feel as special as the unconditional love her kitty gives her. She, so mesmerized by his allure and kind gesture, succumbs to the convincing words the “Virus” speaks. Yet, she still continues to question their validity until she can no longer reason with them. Then she quietly lays her head to sleep drifting off to meet her most beloved, Dream, who shows her the world, through whose eyes she is able to feel alive, awakened and aware! Dream, serving as her guide she sits on a magic carpet as it floats gracefully through a field beaming with bright sunflowers, who wave her hello, to whom she waves back with the biggest smile her little mouth can possibly shape. The little ray of sunshine can no longer feel the wrath of the “Virus” tightly coiled around her, as another unknown yet very known sensation takes over her perception, the familiar open arms of Love.